Batgung

Thinking about dating a local lady ? Ask yourself, will she ...

Pick?

Local men seem resigned to giving their new girlfriends free and public access to their bodies. You've probably seen the couple I'm thinking about sitting opposite you on the MTR. Man sits staring blankly into space, while girlfriend makes a clinical assault on the poor guy's face. If time is short, then go for the most satisfying target -- what better way to pass a journey than popping a few of your companion's pimples? But if it's a longer journey, and all the pimples have been taken care of, then hairstyle, ears and even nose are all fair game.

Ladies, let it be known that when you date a gweilo, you're going to have to give up on this little pleasure.

Sweat?

Hong Kong Summers are a sticky affair, and staying cool and dry can be a major battle. Witness the grannies towelling down their squirming charges. Or check out the secretaries vigorously tissuing away at their faces once they step back into the aircon. I'm not saying this is all bad -- being stuck on a tram next to someone with terminal BO has little appeal. But, are you going to live your whole life in made-up, air-conditioned splendour? Mr B prefers to get out into the real world, where a little sweating is essential. Take your lady on a short summertime walk in the countryside, and you'll soon hear if sweating is going to be a part of this relationship.

Shop?

What better way to spend Sunday: Dim Sum for lunch, window shopping till 3:30, afternoon tea and a little gossip, more shopping and a few purchases, dinner at 6:30, and home. Every Sunday, for the rest of your life ...

Fortunately, the desire to shop and the desire to sweat are inversely proportional, so you've probably already weeded out the terminal shopaholic with the sweat-test above. (To be doubly sure, arrange that country walk to be on a Sunday afternoon).

Sulk ?

Now the occasional sulk is both natural and necessary -- what I'm talking about is full-scale professional sulking. The woman has to stand about two inches away from an inanimate object (for some reason, lamp posts seem to be a good choice). While there, she does not move or speak, just stares sullenly ahead. The man hovers at her back, trying to guess what terrible thing it could be that he has done/not done. I've seen experts drag this out for 30-40 minutes with ease.

Buddy, get a grip! The correct approach is along the lines of "Still got nothing to say? I'll be in the (name nearby pub) for the next hour or so if you want to talk about it." Harsh, but fair.

This sulking forms part of a larger area of womanly behaviour, called something that sounds like "dare" in Cantonese. As far as I can tell, it means that the man gets to feel he is the all-powerful daddy, while the woman behaves like a petulant six-year old girl. Even more amazing, is that there are local men who find this not only acceptable, but attractive!

Not this honcho, I'm the kinda guy that pops his own pimples.